Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay.
In This Article
- Why we assume we know what others are thinking
- How imagined conversations create real resentment
- The hidden cost of unverified assumptions
- The difference between being right and being at peace
- How honest communication restores connection
Okay, well let me first start by negating the title of this article. I do not know what you're thinking. I might guess, presume, assume, project — but I cannot know what you're thinking. Why? Because I'm not in your body, in your mind and your emotions, and have not lived your past experiences.
I can only know what I'm thinking. And sometimes I'm not even sure about that.
A while back, in conversation with a friend, she said to me, I know you think that... and she went on to tell me what she thought I was thinking. She was certain of my thoughts and beliefs in a particular situation. Was she right? Not at all. Yet she had worked herself up into an internal frenzy — even a disagreement with me — about what she had imagined I was thinking. It was completely off base. And furthermore, I wasn’t even aware she had assumed this about me, and I couldn't see how I had led her to that assumption.
Was she projecting what she would have been thinking in my situation? Possibly. But I can’t know that for sure, can I? Because I am not in her mind, or in her position. I am in mine. Thus I think my thoughts based on my experiences and my knowledge, and others do the same based on theirs.
And that’s where so many of our problems begin.
We assume we know what the other person is thinking. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that we don’t verify it. We don’t communicate. We don’t check. We simply react to what we think we know. And often, we’re reacting to something that exists only in our own imagination.
The problem is not just assumption — it’s unverified assumption.
Communication Is The Key
I laughed the other day as I was reading a story in which this point was perfectly demonstrated. The character had a whole mental conversation with someone. In her imagination they argued, revelations came to light, emotions flared. Except none of it had actually happened. The real conversation never took place. Yet she was upset and angry about something that existed only in her own mind.
Upon reflection, I realized I’ve done that as well.
I remember waking up one morning after dreaming I’d had an argument with someone. Later that day, when I saw that person, I found myself still holding resentment about the conversation we had — except we never had it. It had taken place entirely in my dream.
So this calls for a reality check.
How many of the things we’re upset about have actually happened? And even when something did happen, was it minor — but we’ve replayed it, enlarged it, and rehearsed it for years until it became unforgivable?
You may know of situations — or be in one yourself — where two family members or old friends no longer speak because of something that happened long ago. Each side has replayed the event in their head so many times that it has grown to epic proportions. And sometimes, they may not even remember what the original argument was about. All they remember is the rupture.
Does that lead to happiness? No.
So perhaps the more useful question is not why we do it, but what we want instead.
We can ask ourselves: Would I rather be right — or would I rather be happy?
Maybe that’s the modern version of Shakespeare’s question: to be or not to be. Would I rather be happy or not be happy? At peace or not at peace? Experiencing love — or holding on to resentment?
Those questions alone can soften old judgments, resentments, and projections.
What's In Your Movie Script?
When we assume we know what someone else is thinking, it’s often simply what we would be thinking in their situation. Or what we imagine someone like them must be thinking. But imagination is "made up stuff".
We can never truly know what someone else is thinking unless they tell us. And even then, misunderstandings happen. Words are misinterpreted. Tone is misunderstood.
So what do we often do? Instead of asking, instead of clarifying, we hold silent conversations in our head. We replay scenes. We edit dialogue. We add meaning. We assign motives. We build a storyline.
And then we respond — not to the person in front of us — but to the character in our mental movie.
Honesty Is Essential
I’ve been accused of being too honest. I don’t believe there is such a thing as too much honesty, but there can be an issue with presentation — the how rather than the what.
I used to be very blunt and simply tell people what I thought. Sometimes those thoughts came across as judgment or criticism, even when that wasn’t my intention. For me, they were observations. Over time, I learned to own my perspective more clearly — to say: this is my thought, my interpretation, and I could be wrong.
That shift changes everything.
This is also what I do in my writing. People have often told me that my articles — and my radio show, when I had one — felt like I was speaking directly to them. And was I? Yes and no. Because we are reflections of each other. I was speaking to them — but I was also speaking to myself.
Our assumptions, conclusions, and deductions are always based on our own thoughts and experiences. They may be valid for us. They may even resonate with others. But they are still ours.
And that brings us back to responsibility.
If we cannot know what the other person is thinking, then we have two choices. We examine our own thoughts. Or we ask for clarification.
We clarify within ourselves that we may be assuming. Or we lay our cards on the table and have an honest, caring conversation — not one filled with blame or finger-pointing, but one rooted in seeking understanding and harmony.
It's Not About Them
A powerful adjustment in such conversations is to stop using the "you" word.
In other words: “You are thinking, you are doing, you are saying…” Because again, we don’t know what the other person is thinking.
Instead, we take responsibility: I experience. I feel. I fear. I believe. I think.
Interestingly, when I dictated this article in the early morning hours — still lying in bed, as I am apt to do — the voice transcription changed the word you into a capital U. When I saw that, I smiled.
Because it reminded me of the saying that when we point the finger at someone, three fingers point back at us.
And in that capital U, I saw two points — one for each of us.
So when we say "u", half of it comes back to us.
It’s not about the other person. It’s about us.
Whatever we are observing, assuming, criticizing — it lives first within us. And that is where responsibility lies. That is where growth lies. That is where healing begins.
Not in proving we were right.
But in choosing peace instead.
Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal empowerment, and inner well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of love. joy, and creativity.
Recommended Books:
* The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More
Jefferson Fisher
If you recognized yourself in the “mental movie script” moments, this is a practical reset. It focuses on what to say when emotions spike, how to slow a conversation down before it turns into a story in your head, and how to replace assumption with clarity.
For more information, reviews, and ordering options:
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0593718720/innerselfcom
* I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times
Mónica Guzmán
This book hleps uf move from I’m sure I know what you mean to help me understand what you mean. It trains curiosity as a relationship skill, especially when you’re tempted to fill in blanks, assign motives, or argue with the version of someone you’ve built in your mind.
For more information, reviews, and ordering options:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1637740328/?tag=innerselfcom
* Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (Third Edition)
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory
When the conversation matters most, that’s when assumptions do the most damage. This book is a toolkit for replacing mind-reading with skill: how to speak honestly without blame, how to keep dialogue safe, and how to get back to understanding when things go sideways. (Third edition published 2021; Amazon shows very high ratings volume.) :contentReference[oaicite:2]{index=2}
- For more information, reviews, and ordering options:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B093Y3N433/?tag=innerselfcom
Article Recap:
Assumptions in relationships often create unnecessary conflict. When we stop projecting and start communicating honestly, we shift from being “right” to being at peace. Real connection begins when we take responsibility for our own thoughts instead of assuming we know someone else’s.
#CommunicationSkills #EmotionalIntelligence #HealthyRelationships
#PersonalGrowth #ConflictResolution #SelfAwareness
#InnerPeace #Mindfulness #RelationshipAdvice
#Projection #Assumptions #ConsciousLiving
